WASHINGTON, D.C. - Based on their names, there is little doubt what sex supplements are promising, but the evidence that they actually can enlarge a man or enhance performance falls short, consumer advocates said Wednesday. "We tried them all," said Myron Weeringer, "We spent about $1,500 on 25 different supplements. I guess you could call it a 'study'. Yeah, that's what it was. And we concluded that it was all bogus."

"It's such a pitiful situation, it brings me to tears." -- Arlene Booker, CSPI representative

The Center for Science in the Public Interest, best known for pointing out that Big Mac's are not healthy and water is wet, has taken the findings seriously. "What we have here is an obviously socially inept, companionship-deprived group of college students being bilked out of money better spent on books and music downloads," said CSPI representative Arlene Booker, "It's such a pitiful situation, it brings me to tears. I actually took two of the students on pity dates myself. We urge the Federal Trade Commission to immediately investigate all of these supplement companies, making clearly fraudulent claims about their non-products."

Under U.S. law, supplements are not regulated by the Food and Drug Administration in the way prescription drugs are, leading many manufacturers to misleadingly name their supplements, then hide behind a disclaimer. Bender's Benign Products, makers of Big-R and Long-R, did not return calls for comment.

"Until these products are officially outlawed, consumers are best advised to drag any unsolicited e-mails from 'Mr. Gigantic' or 'Mr. Thick' from the inbox to the trash," said Booker. "Well, yeah. Duh," responded our janitor, when overhearing us preparing this report.
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